Written by Athena

So….. you’re a few months deep into dating a new guy and suddenly little things don’t seem to add up? You can’t quite put your finger on it but your gut knows something is off. He seems too good to be true…but damn he’s charming! Then suddenly life goes from 0 to 100 and the things you have witnessed…. OH MY GOD, its pure insanity!

You need to share this Twilight Zone experience with someone, but will anyone even believe you? I mean c’mon, you can’t make this shit up! The truth is you aren’t the first and you definitely won’t be the last to experience the jaw dropping CRAZY, that comes along with dating a person with a personality disorder.

So, if you haven’t ran for the hills screaming yet, but are ready to plan your escape, then make sure you read our guideline on how to exit your relationship swiftly and safely.

There are three different classes of personality disorders – Cluster A, B and C. Most ‘Dirty John’ men will fall under cluster B disorders, so for the purposes of this blog we’ll focus on that one.

Cluster B Personality Disorders

Antisocial or “Sociopath”
This personality disorder is characterized by persistent antisocial, irresponsible, or criminal behavior, often impulsive or aggressive, with disregard for any harm or distress caused to other people and an inability to maintain long-term social and personal relationships. Common symptoms include:

• Lying, conning and exploiting others
• Acting rashly
• Irritable and aggressive
• Fighting or assaulting other people
• Breaking the law
• Not caring about the safety of others or themselves
• Not showing signs of remorse after hurting someone else
• Failing to meet money, work, or social duties
• Abusing drugs or alcohol

Borderline
This is a psychological illness involving unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. Common symptoms include:

• Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether the abandonment is real or imagined
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending money, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Histrionic
This personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking behaviors, usually beginning in early adulthood, including inappropriate seduction and an excessive need for approval. Common symptoms include:

• Being uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
• Dressing provocatively and/or exhibiting inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior
• Shifting emotions rapidly
• Acting very dramatically—as though performing before an audience—with exaggerated emotions and expressions, yet appears to lack sincerity
• Being overly concerned with physical appearance
• Constantly seek reassurance or approval
• Being gullible and easily influenced by others
• Being excessively sensitive to criticism or disapproval
• Having a low tolerance for frustration and be easily bored by routine, often beginning projects without finishing them or skipping from one event to another
• Not think before acting
• Making rash decisions
• Being self-centered and rarely showing concern for others
• Having difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their dealings with others
• Threatening or attempt suicide to get attention

Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Common symptoms include:

• Having a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requiring excessive admiration
• Having a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
• Lacking empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

When to Stay. When to Go.

Not all personality disorders are deal breakers in a relationship. If your partner is willing to accept the diagnosis, seek therapy and take medication to curb some of the symptoms associated, you might be able to endure the ups and downs of the relationship.

On the other hand, if you are dealing with a psychopath, sociopath or borderline personality disorder, I’m afraid no amount of medication, therapy or love from you is going to fix those issues.

When faced with cluster B personality disorders, our advise to you is to lace up your Nikes and RUN like hell!

Exit Strategy

The issue with ending a relationship with a partner who has a personality disorder is that they have probably already worn you down. You are feeling exhausted from all of the drama and sleepless nights. You mentally feel brain fried.

These men are masters at gas-lighting and manipulation, and at some point you probably started to believe him when he swears his actions were your fault. Thankfully, somehow and someway you’ve seen the light and you are ready to leave this toxic relationship.

To end things safely and as quick as possible you need to have a plan and stick to it 100%. The most dangerous time for a woman is after she leaves her abuser. In the United States, research indicates that women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by their batterers than those who stay. Domestic violence is all about power and control, and when a woman leaves, a man has lost his power and control.

Below are some helpful guidelines for you to follow:

Get Yourself and Children To Safety
Get yourself and your kids to safety.  Find housing somewhere that the abuser can’t find you—a battered women’s shelter, a hotel, or the home of a friend that the abuser doesn’t know. Don’t go to your parents’ house, your best friend’s house, or somewhere else where the abuser is likely to look for you. 

Have A Plan
Make a list of safe people to contact, memorize phone numbers of people or places you could call for help, establish a code word with family, friends, and coworkers so that you can tell them to call for help without alerting the abuser.

If you need to find another place to live, make sure your move in date is confirmed. Put aside money to put a deposit down on a new place if need be. If you can slowly start to move things out without him knowing, you should. Packing up all of your belongings can be very time consuming. Make sure you allow enough time to get you and your belongings out safely. You definitely don’t want your now ex-BF arriving home while you’re there.

You may also want to rent a post office box or arrange to have your mail delivered to the address of a friend or family member. Some states have address confidentiality programs that provide substitute address and mail forwarding services.

Additional tips:

• If you are staying in your home, change the locks.
• Don’t stay alone.
• Change your routine frequently.
• Think about how you’ll get away if the abuser confronts you.
• If you have to meet the abuser, do so in a very public place.

Log Out Of All Your Devices And Change Your Passwords
It’s a given that you most likely have spyware on your computer or phone at this point. Make sure you log out of all of your devices. You will definitely need to change your passwords on your phone, email accounts and social media. You might want to consider starting a new Android or iCloud account. Next, double check your settings on all of your devices to make sure that you are the only authorized user. Consider adding two-step authentication as well.

Better yet…change your phone number and don’t answer the phone unless you know who is calling. 

Block All Contact
Don’t give him any more chances to prove himself. He simply cannot change. He is mentally ill. He is a master manipulator and will try to convince you of a fantasy life you will share together. WAKE UP SISTER, it’s not going to happen.

You need to BLOCK that mother F’er once and for all! Block him on your phone, email accounts and all social media. He will not give up easily, and if you even give him an inch it will fuel his “crazy tank” and he will come after you even harder.

Tell Your Family And Friends
Make sure someone knows what’s going on. This shit can get scary, even violent. Let others know what you are dealing with so you have support. Contact people you trust at your workplace and your children’s school so they can be alert for anything unusual as well.

Visit Your Local Courthouse Or Police Department
There are protection orders that you can put in place to protect yourself. You will find information at these locations as well as online. Most cities have a domestic violence advocate as well. And, be sure to carry it with you at ALL times!!!

Please visit our Resources tab and click on the Domestic Violence info link to find resources local to you.