While learning all about Kelly’s story from Season 5, ‘The Yellow File,’ I was surprised to learn that some of the “less talked-about” forms of abuse, like coercive control, had actually been identified and documented in the medical field for years.

Why so many years later was I now just made aware that the coercive psychological strategies, which both Amber and I endured by our ex husband Brandon, were actually recognized as a form of domestic abuse?

Has anyone heard a story about a toxic relationship, and thought to themselves, “why is he/she not getting the hell outta there?” If you answered yes, then the following information will help you understand why leaving an unhealthy relationship can be so much harder than others might assume.

In season 5, Kelly and I discuss reproductive abuse, also called reproductive coercion, that Sarah endures by their mutual ex-husband Brandon. This type of abuse is absolutely despicable, especially because the abuser will use their own children to control and punish their partner. There is so much more to this type of abuse, so let’s dive in.

With domestic coercion, you will see a pattern of behavior where “The Disguised Assassin” ,aka the abuser, pretends to love you, and uses threats of harm, punishment, or humiliation to control the survivor’s behavior.

Reproductive coercion can also be emotional, and could look like pressure, guilt, and shame from an abusive partner. They might constantly talk about having children, or make you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them. Pregnancy is the second most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, so a partner coercing the other into getting pregnant can increase the danger in the relationship. Even after birth many abusive partners will use children as another form of control. They might threaten to take custody of the children if their partner leaves, or say it is best for the children to have both parents in the home.

Reproductive coercion is also a form of power and control when one partner takes away reproductive health decisions and options from the other. Examples of reproductive coercion include:

• Refusing to use a condom or other types of birth control
• Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse (also known as stealthing)
• Forcing their partner to get an abortion, or preventing them from getting one
• Threatening to tell family, friends, or law enforcement about receiving an abortion
• Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control (a form of financial abuse)
• Threatening their partner or becoming violent if they don’t follow their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy.

While already being in such a fragile state, can you imagine how daunting the task of escaping with or without, your children would be?

Educating ourselves on the many forms of domestic abuse, will not only give you the tools to avoid falling victim to a toxic relationship, but hopefully will change your reaction the next time you witness someone else in one. Let’s skip the assumptions, judgements, and even the shit talking under your breath. Instead, how about show some empathy or help by being a listening ear to someone in need. You also have every right, especially for safety reasons, to gracefully steer clear of the situation all together.

There are many online resources for those wishing to learn more or find the help they need. Visit www.TheHotline.org for even more detailed information.

Written by: Athena Klingerman