By “Elvie” [Season 5]

 For those of us who have experienced domestic violence (DV) we often face a dilemma: do you share what happened?  DV is a deeply personal and traumatic ordeal that so many individuals face, yet so few speak about. To move forward and make meaningful change bringing awareness to tactics, repercussions and just how common these situations are is a giant contribution you can make. Isolation is a key tactic of the abuser, and the less isolated those currently trapped in the web of confusion and exploitation are, the better chance they have of getting out safely and with support. 

How is domestic violence defined? 

According to the U.S. Department of Justice: Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

The moral consideration.

Do we share? We may care for the abuser on some level, and not want to “ruin their lives.” That’s unlikely to happen as abusers rarely see any jail time and victims are often discredited. There are numerous and very public instances of victims receiving death threats while the perpetrators go on to win high level positions in politics and board rooms. On average, women who are charged with killing their partners in self-defense spend about 15 years in prison, and men who assault or kill their female partners only serve sentences ranging between 2 and 6 years. Abusive fathers are more than twice as likely to seek sole custody of their children than non-abusive fathers. Courts award fathers joint or sole custody 70% of the time. Although DV statistically shows women are more commonly victims, men can and are victims as well. 

Knowing the above, we better start talking. But the choice to do so is highly personal and yours to make. If you want to share please start by considering the following: 

1. Is it safe for you to do so now? Consider the support network you have in place, the likelihood of the abuser retaliating and the severity of possible retaliation.  
2. Are you mentally prepared to do so? If your situation recently ended and you are still processing the psychological tole, consider journaling your story and only sharing with trusted support networks for now.

If the answer to both questions is yes, sharing brings positive outcomes for you and others. 

1. Sharing is empowering. It allows survivors to take their voice back, remove the shame the abuser placed on them and place it where it belongs, the abuser. 
2. Sharing helps others. Survivors who hear stories from others can feel validated, seen, heard, understood and encouraged to speak out about their own experience. 
3. Sharing helps break the stigma. Society often seems shocked to see a survivor who looks just like them, but abuse can happen to anyone, any age, education, profession, and ethnicity. And it does. 
4. Sharing raises awareness. Domestic violence is common. An estimated 10 million people per year are affected by DV In the United States alone. 
5. Sharing may get the abuser to seek help. Accountability is the best chance of healing the abusers traumas and disordered thought processes. Abusers are formed and often through childhood experiences. Many stood silent contributing to the harm of that child and ultimately creating a deeply disturbed adult. You don’t have to.

To add, if the abuser hears your story, expect a smear campaign and enablers happily participating. Many enablers you may have been on friendly terms with at one point. But I’d like to ask you, when in your life have you been worried about false narratives of nincompoops? This isn’t any different. 

The legal considerations.

If you’re ready to share you may wonder what are the legalities around doing so. Can you get in trouble? What’s ok and not ok to say? Ultimately DV is a matter of public interest and protected by the first amendment. However, an abuser may try to sue under invasion of privacy or libel, and you may be able to invoke anti-SLAPP laws. Let’s look at what these entail. 

The Right to Privacy and Invasion of Privacy: The right to privacy is the fundamental principle that protects an individual’s right to be let alone and live a life free from unwarranted publicity. Invasion of privacy may occur if private facts are published without consent they must be offensive in nature and not of public concern. To establish a claim of invasion of privacy, a victim must demonstrate the following elements: 

1. Publication: The private facts were made public or disclosed to a third party. 
2. Private Facts: The information shared pertains to personal, intimate details that are not commonly known or of public concern. 
3. Offensiveness: The disclosed information is offensive to a reasonable person with normal sensibilities. 
4. Lack of Public Concern: The disclosed information is not of public concern or interest. 

Libel refers to the publication of false information about a person that causes harm to their reputation and falls under defamation. To establish a claim of libel, it must be shown that: 

1. The defendant made a false statement of fact concerning the plaintiff;
2. The defendant made the defamatory statement to a third party knowing it was false (or they should have known it was false);
3. The defamatory statement was disseminated through a publication or communication; and
4. The plaintiff’s reputation suffered damage or harm

Anti-SLAPP (Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation)  laws are intended to prevent people from using courts, and potential threats of a lawsuit, to intimidate people who are exercising their First Amendment rights. Anti-SLAPP statutes protect from the financial threat of a groundless defamation case brought by a subject of an enterprise or investigative story. Under most anti-SLAPP statutes, the person sued makes a motion to strike the case because it involves speech on a matter of public concern.

Sharing your story can be personally empowering, raises awareness and helps support others going through similar situations. If you feel safe, ready and want to know your voice matters in stopping the cycle of domestic violence. Being aware of the legal considerations can help you mitigate potential threats or fears of consequences your right to do so. Just as importantly, you’re not responsible for the smears and hissy-fits of nincompoops. 

You got this! 

Lots of love, Elvi. 

Disclaimer: Elvi enjoys geeking out on research but is not a lawyer so we’re obligated to tell you: The information provided does not, and is not intended to, constitute legal advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only.  Information provided may not constitute the most up-to-date legal or other information. This post contains links to other third-party websites.  Such links are only for the convenience of the reader.